Wednesday....not wordless

This post will be more for me than for you. I need to get it down on "paper" in order to try to figure out where I want to go. I am at a crossroads.

Jacob turned 6 months old yesterday. He doesn't have a check up until November 4th, so stats will be a little delayed. I can tell you that his is about 20 pounds or more! BIG GUY for sure.

We started cereal last night and we got melancholy results. He was interested in it at first and then thought..."hmmm, not sure this is what I was expecting" We will continue to try it and maybe he will be the eater that Maggie is one day.

We have also been bottle feeding since 3pm yesterday. I have had a medical setback that requires medicine that isn't approved for nursing mothers. At this point his bottles have been half breast milk, from my stored supply, and half formula. He doesn't like taking the bottle from me and I generally think he doesn't like the bottle. I know this is something he's just going to have to get over if he wants to eat; there are no other options. Why bottle feeding you ask?

I went to the hematologist yesterday to have my platelets checked. Like I said on Monday, I had a weird spot show up on my leg and it concerned me. Rightfully so....my platelets were at 18. If they drop below 10 I will have to have a platelet transfusion. Because they are below 30 I have had to go on steroids. We are doing a 4 day blast of steroids. I take 10 pills first thing in the morning for four days and then my platelets will be checked on Friday morning. I hope they will have improved by then. I will then go off the steroids for one week. If necessary I go back on for another 4 days. We will continue the process for 4 treatments. If these treatments don't work, then the treatments will get a ton more aggressive and nursing will no longer be an option at all. Right now, I can't nurse while on the steroids, or for 2 days after my last dose, but I could nurse on my week off the drugs. No issue really, you say. Just a break from nursing.

This condition, ITP, is something that came about randomly as a complication from pregnancy. There is a chance that the hormones coursing through my body as a result of breastfeeding could be continuing the platelet complication. A chance. There are thousands of reasons that my platelets could be low. It's easier just to try to fix then find.

Pumping and dumping and bottle feeding with a 2 year old running around is a lot of work. Because Jacob really hasn't ever had many bottles it takes him FOREVER to eat. Do I really want to invest the time and energy to keep my supply up, when there is a remote chance that there may be residual drugs in my breast milk. It's not like they test these drugs on nursing moms. Is the risk worth it?

My dad brought up another thought. Jacob's a big kid and he requires a lot of nutrition. It has been said that the breast feeding baby or the gestational baby get what ever they need from mom. EVEN TO THE DETRIMENT OF THE MOTHER. The body will steal from mom to provide. Is there a chance that I can't heal because my body is working so hard to keep up with Jacob's nutritional needs?

I know in my head, for my own health, that I need to stop nursing and give myself time to heal and get better, for both of my children. If there is a remote chance that all of this will go away with a few cans of formula for 6 months, I can't see that I have a choice. Jacob got 6 months of exclusive nursing. I gave him a great start. I have to be proud of that and stop feeling like I am letting him down.

I know in my heart, that I am not ready to stop. I love the bonding time and the closeness that nursing provides. There is just something special during that time. But is it worth the risks.

So Dearest Readers.....what are your thoughts. Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly! Bring it on........